Who is KilledMonkMusic & ZachTreanorSound?

January 16th 2018. 

It was my last year at Saint Mary's and I was able to join the course I was trying to join the 4 years I was there:

Introduction to Buddhism. 

Jan term is a period at Saint Mary's where students are gifted with taking one class for the month of January to a variety of different subjects such as music, finances, religion, history, archery, etc. 

In a few days I will be releasing my first music album Major Drum Instinct on MLK day. I couldn't stop thinking about changes I needed to make before I released my project on Soundcloud. 

I was on my way, with my class, to the Berkeley Buddhist Monastery.

I remember vividly the cold damp overcast morning.

Outside the monastery we stood waiting for the Buddhist monk to open the doors.

A few minutes later, the tall doors swung open and walking out was a small pale man dressed in their beige Kasaya.

'Welcome' 

    He smiled.

-

Inside, it was dark.

The darkness illuminated the decorated altar where a beautiful statue of Buddha stood.

Another monk stood near the light and greeted us all individually as we arrived. As he greeted me, I felt comforted by his presence. 

He was calm, non-worrisome, I could feel his gratitude and excitement to have a group of 30 students at his home.

He was Present.      

After greeting us, the monk approached the altar and told us to all take a seat on the floor. 

He spoke to us about his day-to-day activities: 

He woke up at 4am and meditated for 2-3 hours. 

Next, he would eat a small breakfast for 1 hour.

This routine happened every single day.  

After this morning routine, it would vary, however, in most cases he tended to the garden outside the Monastery.

At the garden, he would trim each individual blade of grass.

This process would take 1-2 hours. 

After completing his tasks he would nap for 1-2 hours. 

Once he woke up from his nap he would eat a very small lunch and then meditate again for 2-3 hours. 

He would go to bed at 8pm and repeat this process over again. 

I was struck by his story. And most of all his happiness. 

There was a demeanor of honesty and acceptance.  

Contentment with the simplicity of loving himself and expressing kindness to those around him.  

He was joyful and seemed to really care for himself and us. 

A man without fortune, yet, and I'm willing to say this, one of the happiest people I've ever met in my life.

After taking a few questions he asked us to grab a pillow in the back and join him in a 20 minute loving-kindness guided meditation. 

-

Sitting on our pillows, he began with repeating one word over and over

Love.

Over and over.

Love, Love, Love, Love. 

It was repeated so many times the word was morphing in my mind to something different.

Then.

Silence.

However, a minute later he posed an idea.

'Let's talk about Love.'

'Grab your pinky toe.'

'Say thank you pinky toe.'

The class laughed, and chanted 'thank you pinky toe!'

The monk guided us through nearly every part of our body to express gratitude for all their work. 

After guiding us, the monk allowed us to meditate in silence for 5 minutes. 

He closed with meditation with ringing a small bell in his hand. 

Commencing us to open our eyes and return to the real world. 

-

'Thank you for coming to our monastery and joining me in meditation today.'

' Love yourself. Every single one is beautiful. ' 

Sitting there, I remember staring at the rug and feeling my breaths. 

calm, present, nothing else on my mind but being in the monastery. 

Relief.

A breath of fresh air. 

We had been doing meditation everyday but this practice at the monastery was remarkable.

The ambience in comparison to the classroom is more comforting. 

For that reason, it was my best meditation practice.

A moment where I honestly felt reborn.

Innocent and nothing of concern. 

The monks thanked us again as we headed out. 

As I stepped outside the monastery, I felt unlocked.

The monastery transformed my way of being 

forever forward. 

- 

Returning from the Monastery, I was motivated to release this album on MLK day.

Rushing day in and day out after class, I would go to work on an album that meant the world to me but absolutely nothing to anyone else. 

All that mattered to me, at the time, was that I was attempting to leave my voice, my opinions, my philosophies, my ideas in music form. 

I loved myself for it. 

I wanted proof that I was here.

When I released the album I went through emotions I wasn't, to say the least - expecting. 

-

I was very unsatisfied. 

I felt letdown, bitter, and angry. I felt as though I failed once again as I have felt all my life. 

I allowed my emotions to surface on things out of my control. 

In other words, I was battling control of myself.  

This feeling of letdown & frustration has been a culprit of my life for a very long period of time. 

Rooted since the beginning of when I was a young boy. I always wanted to be the best at something--but never was.

The disappointment made me stop making music and made me pivot my focus on the career path I trained 4 years for.

- 

After graduating in 2018, I began my journey of working across professional sporting organizations in the Bay Area. 

In the two years outside of graduation, I couldn't land a full-time job to get myself out of Half Moon Bay.  

I worked 5 jobs at one time to gather as much experience as possible to ensure I could land the next available full-time position.

However, I could never garner a strong connection with people. I felt alone in my work despite meeting so many wonderful people.

I didn't fit in. 

I couldn't withstand the constant failure I was experiencing over and over again. It felt as though I could never catch a break of any good news. 

I soon realized, from the lack of connection I was having with people, that the sporting industry wasn't for me.

As soon as I started looking for new work, the pandemic happened.

Suddenly I went from endless work to having nothing on my plate.

I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. But I needed a change. 

Then one day, as I was organizing my computer, I came across old beats I made and my Major Drum Instinct album.

I was shocked. 

I couldn't believe how elaborate the album was. 

It was as if in that very moment I was actually present.

It was beautiful. It was mine. It was me.

Reviewing all my work reminded me of the monastery. 

The monastery put me in a place of contentment with myself and putting into focus the variables of life that I control.

I would never have guessed I would be writing a blog about my journey to finding self-acceptance and letting go of the persistent cravings for things to be different from how they are. 

Every moment I made a choice in how to react in my environment. 

The monastery removed the chaos of my mind to simply be.

Music, and the process of creating it, puts me in a place similar to my morning at the monastery. 

Allowing the variables of society to direct me in a place of distraught and frustration is senseless.

The primal state of our nature, and not being concerned with the chaos of modern society, is the place I've strived for.

I find music to be the place that returns me to that sense of enlightenment again and again. 

Coming to the consensus of what you can control and achieving self-acceptance with the person you can become by living in the present moment.  

He loved himself. Therefore, he treated others as he did himself. 

He was non-competitive. 

Which is difficult for me to understand due to the elaborate systems of our society. 

The monastery made me aware I am my own being and all are unique from one another. But only when we make that choice. 

And that choice is VERY hard. 

It's lonely. 

It's painful when you work hundreds of hours on a project and no one cares about it.

Everyone walks their own path. 

We are, essentially, alone. 

The speed of our lives gives us no time to reflect on our own accomplishments and rarely we are satisfied with the work we do ourselves when it goes unrecognized. 

A part of myself died at the monastery.

My overarching values of pursuing who we are was built in the monastery.

I realize without meditation, or practices that move me to the present, make me become a person angry at the world. 

Growth and change happens slowly over time.

I didn't know why I truly made music until the universe reminded me.

My failures molded me to the person I have become today.

I would have never discovered my passion and love for it without the failures I have had in my life.

My best-self is different from your best-self.

I love myself. I love my values. And I know now whether people listen to my creative work or not, doesn't matter.

The music puts me in the present and exemplifies the unlimited potential I have inside its realm.

I do believe in art.

I believe art will paintd a picture for the world to see my vision of what happiness really is.

And to me, it's the monk meditating in the Buddhist Monastery on the corner of Bancroft & Mckinley.